Slappy Spanksgiving, Tofurkies!

Thanksgiving is usually my favorite holiday of the year. Football. Food. Fellatio... okay, not that last part, but you get my extra point. This year, I'm just not feelin' it. I used to go to a local bar to get the latest non-Facebook status updates from high school classmates and go on bar crawls with Jersey Shore cronies. Next day, try to shake off the cobwebs to enjoy some heated action between high school football rivals, maybe even dust off the rust and throw a couple touches in a co-ed game. Not anymore. I spent last night trying to stop my toilet's broken supply line from gushing water everywhere at 3am. I can't even bring myself to shower right now. SO, now that everyone's in high spirits, here's what I'm thankful for on the interwebs:

Remember those Sea Doo commercials? Everybody's doin' it! Sea Doo! Sea Doooooooooo! If I had any kind of motivation and a decent production crew, I'd film a spoof, replacing "Sea Doo" with "Sex Tape." First, in early November, reports circulated that former Miss Califronia, Carrie Prejean, settled her lawsuit against the Miss California board due to the emergence of an underage sex tape, then news came that she was of legal age when she made them (not just one), and then interviews with her brother revealed he'd watch them.

Shauna Sand didn't have the energy to fight Vivid over the release of her very sleek and stylish sex tape, and she put the cream on the proverbial cake when she announced she had a long affair with Gossip Girl guy Chace Crawford.

Then, Tila Tequila is taking legal measures to ensure hers isn't released to the public. This comes after she already made a nude Ustream video blaming San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman for her fragile mental state.

Now, Carmen Electra apparently has one as well via FoundryMusic. Mine is slated for a Summer 2010 "release." Should be a c*ckbuster. Whoa, inappropriate, Mitch.

Some people just forego the sex tape and go pro. See below:
MMA fighter cum XXX star compares the two industries in this helpful chart via Asylum

Maybe the dude from link above should hook up with this former Atlanta Hawks dancer. And by, "hook up," I mean double reverse cowgirl in the standing position while on the wing of a fighter jet. Via Guyism

I wonder if XXX set designers use these products when filming? Via CollegeHumor

Some people enjoy playing "just the tip," and some just like playing "just the deaths" from Total Recall via DaveandThomas.net

My Secretary feels like death, thus she's doubftul with a hangover. Here's the complete office injury report via SportsPickle.com

Good thing we don't have to worry about work after "Blackout Wednesday." Here's a list of 11 people you'll meet on Thanksgiving Eve via LemonDrop.com

10 Underrated Superhero Movies via Gunaxin and The Most Bizarre Superpowers (which will eventually become underrated Superhero movies) via Comics Alliance

This Guy Can Be Thankful For Superhero-like Lightning Quick Reflexes via YepYep

I've been rather emo lately, but nowhere near Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3. Here's a sneak peek of how other superheroes handle the doldrums via Comics Alliance

Remember Penny from Pee Wee's Playhouse? Did she grow up to become a cougar? Cougar Patrol says so.

I was born in 1980 and so were these super fine females via Guyism - never knew Minka Kelly was my age. Don't feel so bad when I watch Friday Night Lights now.

Per the above paragraph, I heart football. American football. I hate Everywhere Else In The World "Football" aka Soccer. BUT, the World Cup of Hot Chicks? I'd take a couple red cards for that - via The Bleacher Report

Who gets hot chicks like that? Probably sugar daddies like wealthy NFL owners. Here's a Handy Dandy Guide To Batsh*t Crazy NFL Owners via FanHouse

Those old trouts might have won the battle (and possibly the war), but YOU could win free sh*t from NerdyShirts.com via FunnyCrave ***CONTEST ENDS MONDAY, 11/30***

Help someone else win for a change, you selfish heathen! COED Magazine's Stephen Gebhardt has a friend, Jamie Lee (yeah right, Steve), who's in the running to become the next Victoria's Secret Angel. Vote for her (JAMIE LEE!) here.

Still in the mood to vote? AskMen.com is accepting nominations for their Top 99 Women of 2010.

To date most of THOSE women, you probably need to be a studio exec. To be a studio exec, you need to make bad decisions. Here's an example...

OJ Simpson as the Terminator? via Fanhouse

Building off that last link, check out 10 Actors Originally Cast for Famous Roles

My mom's world famous rolls are what keep bringing me back to the table for Thanksgiving. For dessert, munch on these 15 Funniest Thanksgiving Photos courtesy of Super Tremendous.

Out of mom's famous rolls (what? she lose weight? ha!), here are some tips on surviving Thanksgiving, courtesy of my former employer, Heavy.com.

That's all from me. Happy Spanksgiving, e'erybody! I'm gonna go cry in the shower.